The Replacement Ref Asks "Dear EB"

Dear EB:

I have a co-worker who has a bad habit of interrupting people. At first, she was just interrupting conversations or instructions. It was frustrating, but it wasn't anything that we couldn't simply acknowledge and then go back to the conversation at hand. Also, no one has really been too upset with her as it's quite obvious that she does not realize that she's doing it. However, a few days ago, a few of us noticed that she has started to interrupt people when they are talking to clients. 

Recently, I was meeting with a client to discuss some of the new services I could offer her. I had just finished explaining one of our new services - and when I say just finished, I mean the final word in the sentence had just left my mouth - when she jumped in to remind me about another service we provide. She was not a part of the conversation, but she inserted herself into it nonetheless. I felt fortunate that the client I was working with knew me well and has a lot of respect for me. Had I been meeting with a new client, it's possible that she could have thought that I was not familiar with all of our services and it could have made her less likely to have confidence in me and what I can do for her. A few hours later, I saw her interrupt another co-worker who was meeting with another new client. This co-worker was telling the client about a service package we provide and she interrupted our co-worker mid-sentence to tell this new client about some service options. Again, she was not part of the conversation. The new client actually gave her a harsh look that she seemed to be oblivious to.

This is my problem. I think that this woman genuinely thinks she's helping us out and has absolutely no idea how her behavior is effecting our communication with our clients. Despite her good intentions, we need to figure out some way to address and put an end to the behavior. My boss and I have discussed it and he would like me to talk to her about it. I am not her superior per se, but I am senior to her and in the event of my boss' absence, I am in charge. My boss has told me in the past that he would like to see me get into management, so I think he wants me to take this on in order to give me some conflict resolution experience. Do you have any suggestions on how best to approach this subject with her? 

Sincerely,
The Replacement Ref


Dear Replacement Ref:
You have a few challenges in this situation! First, since you don’t know what your co-worker’s intention is when she is speaking up in these situations, you may be making some assumptions that may or may not be true. Those assumptions could impact the way you interact with her. Second, the fact that nobody has told your co-worker that her behavior is inappropriate, has actually reinforced the bad behavior – that may be why you have seen it expand to more situations. Third, since you are not your co-worker’s superior, feedback may be more difficult for you to give and for her to receive than if you were her boss.

Don’t despair. Even with these challenges, here are some strategies and techniques for you to consider.

Let’s start with the first challenge – intent. When faced with a person behaving in a way we deem “wrong,” it’s helpful to spend some time considering the person’s intent. In this case, let’s imagine what her intent might be when your co-worker interrupts. If we focus on negative reasons, we might include; she wants attention, she thinks she knows more than anyone else, or she wants the client to like her better than her colleagues. If we focus on positive intent, we might include; as you said, she thinks she’s helping, she wants to be part of the team, she wants to be sure the client knows all of the options, or she’s just excited and can’t contain herself. You may have other thoughts about what her intent might be.

When we ascribe negative intent to someone’s behavior, we tend to respond to them in a negative way. On the other hand, when we assume a positive intent, we are more likely to approach our conversation with them in a positive way. So, I recommend you start by imagining a positive intent for your co-worker’s behavior to focus on as you prepare to meet with her.

Now, let’s look at the second challenge. As you indicated, your co-worker probably isn’t aware of her behavior. And, if she is, she certainly is unaware of the impact her interrupting is having on her colleagues and the clients. This is a situation that could call for a couple of strategies. First, you may need to clarify roles, and second, you may need to have a feedback conversation.

While the interrupting is a behavior that is showing up in a variety of settings, let’s look specifically at the client situations. I wonder if your co-worker and you both agree on her role in client meetings? If she doesn’t have a specific role or place on the agenda of the meeting, she won’t know when or how to participate. So, a first conversation might be to clarify roles in an upcoming meeting. That might sound like “In our meeting today, I’ll take the lead role with the client. Your role is to observe and make notes. Also, I would like you to respond with your ideas or thoughts when I ask you if you have additional comments to add to what has been said.” You may find role clarity is all that’s needed to shift her behavior with clients.

The reality, however, is that you are likely to also need a feedback conversation. I say this since the behavior seems to show up frequently and in a variety of situations. The most successful feedback conversations are dialogues rather than one person telling the other what they’ve done wrong. When you can get the person engaged in looking at the situation with you, you increase the odds that she will listen and help identify a solution.

A model I like to use is Observation, Impact, Options, Agreement. Let’s look at how you can use this model for a conversation with your co-worker.

You might start with; “I noticed in our client meeting this morning that you spoke up before I finished what I was saying. Did you notice that too?” (Observation) Wait for her to respond.

Then to continue to engage her, you might ask, “If you were the client, how might you have interpreted the way that interaction went?” (Impact) Your goal is to get her to start thinking about how she is perceived when she interrupts.

You might also say, “I’m sure you don’t intend to cut people off. I wonder if we can identify a positive way for you to contribute to meetings without interrupting.” (Options) Let her share her ideas if she has them. Then you can offer your own. You might say, “May I share an idea with you?” Then, “It would work well for me, if you would wait until I ask you for your input.” Or, “If you have something to share before I ask you, would you wait for me to complete what I am saying before you speak?”

“What will you try in our next meeting?” (Agreement)

As you have acknowledged, the fact that you aren’t your co-worker’s superior is an important factor to consider. Choosing a neutral location for the conversation rather than your office is important to keep her from feeling that you are “bossing” her. Also let her choose the time. You can say, “I’d like to debrief our client meeting with you. When’s a good time for you?” You can also start the meeting with, “What did you think went well about our client meeting this morning.” Then ask “What do you think we should do differently next time?” After she responds to each question, you can add on your thoughts, and that will transition you into the above conversation. Notice how location, timing, and letting her share first all create a more equal playing ground for the conversation.

My final thought is this. Be clear on your intent for this conversation. If you are clear that you want to help your co-worker learn and grow and be successful, you have a much better chance of seeing her change her behavior than if your intent is to put her down, put her in her place, or something else negative!

About Our Dear EB Author: Susan Gerke is an accomplished consultant specializing in facilitation, coaching, and curriculum development. Susan is the co-developer of Go Team Resources, a complete team-training and team building resource.

If your organization is experiencing or anticipating changes in leadership, organizational structure, or any major shift in operations, contact Escoe Bliss (949.336.6444) to find out how our team of experts, like Susan, can help you achieve project success.

Ask Dear EB: Are you experiencing a challenging situation at your workplace and you'd like advice from Dear EB? Just send us an email and an expert Escoe Bliss consultant will respond with helpful and applicable advice via Blogging With Bliss and our next issue of The Insider. We pledge to keep all information anonymous and confidential.

Using Your Words: 5 Lessons Your Mom Would Like You to Remember

At a recent Working Wardrobes Leadership Institute event, presenter Vu Pham, Ph.D., CEO of Spectrum Knowledge, gave an interactive and enlightening presentation on Impactful Verbal Communication. Dr. Pham educated the group about why words are so important and discussed the influence that they have in our professional and personal relationships.

This got us thinking, words really are a super power. And with great power comes great responsibility. In 2012, we have many nations in the midst of trying to revive their struggling economies, media is buzzing about the U.S. presidential election, and the world will spend two weeks of the summer watching the London 2012 Olympic Games. Each of these current events is a delicate topic that requires careful and calculated communication choices. 

The way in which leaders, athletes, candidates, and correspondents share information affects our global society. Their words illicit feelings, motivate action (or reaction), and influence ideas and opinions on a large scale. So it only makes sense that their prepared and unprepared statements are scrutinized and debated heavily. It is common practice to analyze the words of those in the media spotlight, because of their public influence. 

Famous or not, every individual has a sphere of influence and though it may be comparatively small, it is certainly not less powerful. Shouldn't we be just as careful and concerned about the messages we are sending to our families, coworkers, and the community? After all, we are defined by our thoughts, beliefs, and feelings and our words are the expression of those things. The power our words have to define us is a very good reason why we should choose them so carefully; we are our words.

Think about your own business or office team. How seriously do you and your coworkers take your word choices when communicating both internally and externally? If your corporate communications came under media scrutiny, would your organization emerge as the inspirational figure with the admiration of millions or as the candidate who let an entire campaign slip through his or her fingers?

Corporate communications can be complicated. There are multiple audiences, with broad differences and interests to consider. Messages are communicated and discussions generated through many different avenues (i.e. meetings, water-cooler discussions, emails, social media, marketing, memos, etc.).

Sometimes the path to success can be found within the simple rules and lessons of life. From the very beginning of development, parents begin teaching children about appropriate and inappropriate communication. In honor of Mother's Day this past Sunday, here are 5 basic rules of communication that would be helpful in any workplace, inspired by the expert on all things good: Mom! 

• Be nice. How many times did our mothers tell us to "be nice"? Moms have a long list of people you should be nice to: your brother or sister, elders, teachers, and your classmates or teammates. If only we could have a Mom recording with us throughout the day at work, imagine how harmoniously teams would work together. Everyone would be listening, sharing, helping, and taking turns. Perhaps it sounds silly, but consider a current challenge your team is experiencing and then break that challenge down to root of the issue. Is the situation stemming from a lack of attention, some selfish behavior, lack of collaboration, or a need to rush things through? Factor "being nice" into the problem and it might not look so bad anymore.
• Be mindful of your "tone" of voice. 
Everyone has those "Na, na, na-na-na," moments, but there's good reason why Moms make a point to discourage this behavior. Author Ira Gassen advises, “Be careful of your thoughts; they may become words at any moment.” Furthermore, those thoughts are also very likely to become actions. A recent Forbes article on the effects of social media on communication made an important point that, "...only 7% of communication is based on the written or verbal word. A whopping 93% is based on nonverbal body language." People often say far more with tone and body language than they often do with words. Perception is a complex blend of visual and auditory cues, that may include facial expression, stance or movements, and vocal inflection (just to name a few).
• Don't talk to strangers. Moms employ this rule to keep their children safe and protected from others with bad intentions. In a work environment, this rule applies to gossip and respecting the confidentiality of our projects, internal and external clients, and coworkers. We all need to voice opinions from time to time, but it is important to consider who you're sharing with and what information should or should not be discussed with that person. Food for thought from an American journalist, gossip columnist, and author: "If you wouldn't write and sign it, don't say it." ~Earl Wilson
• Speak up. If you have something to say, say it. Moms are not fans of muttering under your breath and certainly would not want us to stand by idly if we could be a part of the solution in any way. Speaking up doesn't mean speaking over, speaking out of line, or speaking to cause a distraction. At work, we need to speak up to support the team, to encourage innovation, and protect company values and ethics. Your constructive thoughts have tremendous value to the success of your organization; don't stifle them.
• Look at me when I'm talking to you. Not only is this one of Mom's favorite lessons, but it is necessary at work too (It is important to note when doing business, that not all societies perceive eye contact as the sign of respect that we do in the U.S.). If you're hoping to effectively and respectfully convey your message, then you must engage your audience. Give your message and your audience the respect they deserve. Look at them and set aside time for the discussion. The attention you give to your message will have a direct correlation to the response you receive.

Ask any Mom what her paramount wish is for her children and she will undoubtedly tell you that it is for their happiness and success. The lessons our mothers taught us as children about respecting the power of our words are lessons that we need to carry with us into all areas of our lives. By using these basic lessons in the office, with clients, and in the community we will build strong, productive business relationships that will result in success. 

Escoe Bliss Professional Resources can provide expert consulting teams for your organization's communication improvement needs, including change management, leadership development, and training & facilitation. Contact us for more information on how we can help at 949.336.6444.

Blogging with Bliss contributor Regina Gormanly is Brand Ambassador & Project Coordinator at Escoe Bliss. She finds her bliss by writing and managing content for Escoe Bliss' social media. Regina's love of learning and communication are the driving forces behind her blogs.

The HOW Question - Your most potent motivator

Employee motivation. It’s the number one problem on the minds of most managers. When I worked as an underwater salvage master, the job of motivating the team typically fell on my shoulders. I’ve tried everything from a bullwhip and cattle prod to throwing fists-full of hundred dollar bills at people. Asking the HOW question has proven to be the most potent motivator I’ve found. As a problem solver and trainer, I’ve taught this tool to hundreds of managers who have used it with outstanding success.
Before we get into what works, let’s talk about what doesn’t. Money is the least powerful motivator. When you give an employee a raise, will he or she magically become motivated to work harder? NO! Human nature dictates that money motivates employee behavior only in advance of the raise or bonus. The employee works hard to earn the extra money, but once it’s been absorbed into their budget, the raise has little or no ongoing motivating effect.
In survey after survey the most potent motivator has been interesting work. One of the best ways to make work interesting for the typical employee is for them to have input into HOW the work is done. Do you often get an eye-roll or some other form of push-back when you tell an employee how to do a job? What do you think their response would be if you asked them HOW they can do it the fastest or safest, with the best result?

When you ask someone the HOW question, several attitudinal changes happen:
1. The employee is given a morale boost - they’re honored that you asked their opinion. You may not always agree with them, and you may not use their idea, but they’ll always feel valued that you asked.
2. The next change is that employee gets to think about the best way to do a job. He takes into consideration parts of the job you may not have thought of. And who better to think through all the intricacies of performing a job than the one who is hands-on and has a working knowledge of the problems involved? Typically they’ll find the fastest and easiest way to do the job, which is often the least expensive.
3. Once you approve their method, the person owns not only the method - they own the results. It’s called buy-in. You haven’t dictated to them about how to do the job. They came up with it themselves. They now own the method and the outcome.
4. When an employee is asked HOW to perform a job and you approve of their method, do you think they’ll work harder to make it work than if you just dictated the method you thought up? I guarantee it! The reason is because the employee now has a stake in the outcome and they’ll bust their fanny to succeed.
Asking the HOW question is a proven long-term motivational tool. If you’ll learn it and use it every time you have a chance, you’ll build a motivated team of powerful, creative employees who will take your organization to the next level. I promise!

Guest blogger, Bob Walker provides organizations with immediate practical solutions to management and team problems that involve Communication, Conflict, and Ineffective Performance.

© 2009 Bob Walker
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