The Replacement Ref Asks "Dear EB"

Dear EB:

I have a co-worker who has a bad habit of interrupting people. At first, she was just interrupting conversations or instructions. It was frustrating, but it wasn't anything that we couldn't simply acknowledge and then go back to the conversation at hand. Also, no one has really been too upset with her as it's quite obvious that she does not realize that she's doing it. However, a few days ago, a few of us noticed that she has started to interrupt people when they are talking to clients. 

Recently, I was meeting with a client to discuss some of the new services I could offer her. I had just finished explaining one of our new services - and when I say just finished, I mean the final word in the sentence had just left my mouth - when she jumped in to remind me about another service we provide. She was not a part of the conversation, but she inserted herself into it nonetheless. I felt fortunate that the client I was working with knew me well and has a lot of respect for me. Had I been meeting with a new client, it's possible that she could have thought that I was not familiar with all of our services and it could have made her less likely to have confidence in me and what I can do for her. A few hours later, I saw her interrupt another co-worker who was meeting with another new client. This co-worker was telling the client about a service package we provide and she interrupted our co-worker mid-sentence to tell this new client about some service options. Again, she was not part of the conversation. The new client actually gave her a harsh look that she seemed to be oblivious to.

This is my problem. I think that this woman genuinely thinks she's helping us out and has absolutely no idea how her behavior is effecting our communication with our clients. Despite her good intentions, we need to figure out some way to address and put an end to the behavior. My boss and I have discussed it and he would like me to talk to her about it. I am not her superior per se, but I am senior to her and in the event of my boss' absence, I am in charge. My boss has told me in the past that he would like to see me get into management, so I think he wants me to take this on in order to give me some conflict resolution experience. Do you have any suggestions on how best to approach this subject with her? 

Sincerely,
The Replacement Ref


Dear Replacement Ref:
You have a few challenges in this situation! First, since you don’t know what your co-worker’s intention is when she is speaking up in these situations, you may be making some assumptions that may or may not be true. Those assumptions could impact the way you interact with her. Second, the fact that nobody has told your co-worker that her behavior is inappropriate, has actually reinforced the bad behavior – that may be why you have seen it expand to more situations. Third, since you are not your co-worker’s superior, feedback may be more difficult for you to give and for her to receive than if you were her boss.

Don’t despair. Even with these challenges, here are some strategies and techniques for you to consider.

Let’s start with the first challenge – intent. When faced with a person behaving in a way we deem “wrong,” it’s helpful to spend some time considering the person’s intent. In this case, let’s imagine what her intent might be when your co-worker interrupts. If we focus on negative reasons, we might include; she wants attention, she thinks she knows more than anyone else, or she wants the client to like her better than her colleagues. If we focus on positive intent, we might include; as you said, she thinks she’s helping, she wants to be part of the team, she wants to be sure the client knows all of the options, or she’s just excited and can’t contain herself. You may have other thoughts about what her intent might be.

When we ascribe negative intent to someone’s behavior, we tend to respond to them in a negative way. On the other hand, when we assume a positive intent, we are more likely to approach our conversation with them in a positive way. So, I recommend you start by imagining a positive intent for your co-worker’s behavior to focus on as you prepare to meet with her.

Now, let’s look at the second challenge. As you indicated, your co-worker probably isn’t aware of her behavior. And, if she is, she certainly is unaware of the impact her interrupting is having on her colleagues and the clients. This is a situation that could call for a couple of strategies. First, you may need to clarify roles, and second, you may need to have a feedback conversation.

While the interrupting is a behavior that is showing up in a variety of settings, let’s look specifically at the client situations. I wonder if your co-worker and you both agree on her role in client meetings? If she doesn’t have a specific role or place on the agenda of the meeting, she won’t know when or how to participate. So, a first conversation might be to clarify roles in an upcoming meeting. That might sound like “In our meeting today, I’ll take the lead role with the client. Your role is to observe and make notes. Also, I would like you to respond with your ideas or thoughts when I ask you if you have additional comments to add to what has been said.” You may find role clarity is all that’s needed to shift her behavior with clients.

The reality, however, is that you are likely to also need a feedback conversation. I say this since the behavior seems to show up frequently and in a variety of situations. The most successful feedback conversations are dialogues rather than one person telling the other what they’ve done wrong. When you can get the person engaged in looking at the situation with you, you increase the odds that she will listen and help identify a solution.

A model I like to use is Observation, Impact, Options, Agreement. Let’s look at how you can use this model for a conversation with your co-worker.

You might start with; “I noticed in our client meeting this morning that you spoke up before I finished what I was saying. Did you notice that too?” (Observation) Wait for her to respond.

Then to continue to engage her, you might ask, “If you were the client, how might you have interpreted the way that interaction went?” (Impact) Your goal is to get her to start thinking about how she is perceived when she interrupts.

You might also say, “I’m sure you don’t intend to cut people off. I wonder if we can identify a positive way for you to contribute to meetings without interrupting.” (Options) Let her share her ideas if she has them. Then you can offer your own. You might say, “May I share an idea with you?” Then, “It would work well for me, if you would wait until I ask you for your input.” Or, “If you have something to share before I ask you, would you wait for me to complete what I am saying before you speak?”

“What will you try in our next meeting?” (Agreement)

As you have acknowledged, the fact that you aren’t your co-worker’s superior is an important factor to consider. Choosing a neutral location for the conversation rather than your office is important to keep her from feeling that you are “bossing” her. Also let her choose the time. You can say, “I’d like to debrief our client meeting with you. When’s a good time for you?” You can also start the meeting with, “What did you think went well about our client meeting this morning.” Then ask “What do you think we should do differently next time?” After she responds to each question, you can add on your thoughts, and that will transition you into the above conversation. Notice how location, timing, and letting her share first all create a more equal playing ground for the conversation.

My final thought is this. Be clear on your intent for this conversation. If you are clear that you want to help your co-worker learn and grow and be successful, you have a much better chance of seeing her change her behavior than if your intent is to put her down, put her in her place, or something else negative!

About Our Dear EB Author: Susan Gerke is an accomplished consultant specializing in facilitation, coaching, and curriculum development. Susan is the co-developer of Go Team Resources, a complete team-training and team building resource.

If your organization is experiencing or anticipating changes in leadership, organizational structure, or any major shift in operations, contact Escoe Bliss (949.336.6444) to find out how our team of experts, like Susan, can help you achieve project success.

Ask Dear EB: Are you experiencing a challenging situation at your workplace and you'd like advice from Dear EB? Just send us an email and an expert Escoe Bliss consultant will respond with helpful and applicable advice via Blogging With Bliss and our next issue of The Insider. We pledge to keep all information anonymous and confidential.

The Equal Opportunity Advocate Asks "Dear EB"

Dear EB:

I have a coworker who's incredibly smart and talented, and really wants to contribute as much as she can to the rest of the team. A lot of the times, this means that she does the most talking in meetings and brainstorming sessions, effectively removing the chance for any other team members to contribute their ideas and have their voice heard. It's getting to the point where it's having an adverse effect on the growth of the team, and so I'm wondering, what is a good way to bring more balance to the contributions in order to allow other team members' voices to be heard?

Sincerely,
The Equal Opportunity Advocate


Dear Equal Opportunity Advocate:

Your question certainly brings back similar times for me working with peers—feeling “caught” in situations where others’ or my ideas are being blocked from being aired. It does not matter on over-contributors’ intents—their actions are blocking good, great, or perhaps the best ideas from being shared and therefore positively affecting results.

First, I commend you on wanting to take action. Too many times, I have witnessed the same behavior on intact work teams. Instead of taking positive action, the team members attempt to fix or control the over-contributor and then the team members become even more frustrated that their efforts did not magically work.

In situations like this one, you can choose between two separate approaches or instead opt for a combination approach. The best approach will depend on the people you work with and the dynamics of the group. The direct approach would be to address the over-contributor in a personal, one-to-one manner. In a different team dynamic, it may be best to reach out to a team leader in a private meeting where you can voice your concern and propose a resolution.

When I experience counter-productive situations with peers, I try to remember something one of my past leaders told me: assume positive intent. At times the pace of work and stress can be high and I even fail by acting hastily before taking some time for reflection—we are human. I then remember to take a pause and try to reflect on why the person chose to act the way that I observed. Speaking from my experience, it typically comes down to the fact that others have allowed the behavior to go on for so long in the work environment combined with the person, in your case the over-contributor, receiving continuous, positive reinforcement.

Following the first path, consider how the over-contributor tends to receive feedback based on past situations. Does she tend to be open to listening and taking in feedback? Does she tend to become defensive? How would she react if you approached her one-to-one outside of earshot of others in your work environment and you asked, “I see we have an upcoming brainstorming meeting—do you have a minute to chat?”

If you take the lead to approach her, then what has worked for me is to frame the conversation from your experience and impact on you, and possibly others. For example, in a very calm, relaxed facial, and open body posture, you might say, “I know that we are going to brainstorm new system processes changes. During past brainstorming sessions, I notice that based on your knowledge and past experience, you always have much to offer. However, at times, I can see that not all the other voices, mine included, are being heard, which then influences our teaming and ownership on the new changes. I was wondering how we could resolve this so that while you get your ideas out, we all also get the opportunity to express at least one of our ideas aloud for discussion. What are your thoughts?”

Be prepared—as she may challenge you for examples. Be factual by briefly stating a few actual observations you experienced from a most recent meeting. For example, “When we were discussing a resolution on addressing the data results from last quarter, you were the first to speak and shared your full list of eight ideas before anyone else had an opportunity to share. When it came time for others to chime in, nothing was shared.” Direct the conversation towards working on a solution where everyone knows they'll have the opportunity to share.

If you decide not to take the direct path and/or you do and it does not work the way you intended, you should directly address your team leader. In fact, your team leader should be stepping up to create the environment where all ideas are brought out “on the table” from everyone—even those who typically might be reticent to speaking up at meetings—as you never know who might offer an even better approach or an enhancement.

From what I can infer from your question, and my experience, teams tend to forget that they need expectations set for all meeting types—they assume that everyone knows. I would approach your leader in the same fashion I shared for the over-contributor, for example, you could say, “Before we are in the scheduled brainstorming meeting—do you have a minute to chat?” During your meeting, you can open the discussion with, “I would like to suggest that we establish team expectations for all brainstorming meeting sessions. For example, we have 11 on our team. We should be told that we must come prepared with at least one—the more the better—idea to address the new system processes changes. At the meeting, everyone needs to share their one idea before we go back around to the first person. Preferably, we should start discussing either randomly or with the person who tends to be quiet. We never know who might have a part of the solution. What are your thoughts?”

At this point, your leader might open the discussion to possibly accept what you are suggesting as well as ask you what actually transpired to nudge you to make this suggestion. Again, focus on your positive intent—wanting to build team camaraderie and explore all potential solutions. Do not use the discussion to throw the over-contributor “under-the-bus”. Instead, focus on facts of your experience from past meetings, such as, “Well, in the last meeting on addressing the data results from last quarter, Karen began and ended the discussion by sharing eight ideas before anyone else had an opportunity to share—and therefore be heard and validated.”

As previously stated, addressing behavioral situations that impact productivity on a peer-to-peer basis can be very challenging. However, you owe it to yourself to help create a productive team environment—plus you are now practicing an important skill required for all effective team leaders. Your best direction between which path to take depends on the affability of the over-contributor and the level of comfort you have in your work relationship with her.

Good luck to you and your team as you move forward!

Robert Gasdick
Training Delivery & Design Consultant

About Our Dear EB Author: Robert Gasdick has 26 years of progressive experience in the banking-related industry and human resources. As an external consultant/trainer he facilitates courses in areas such as leadership, management, communication, conflict resolution, change, presentation skills and business writing.

Escoe Bliss is proud to count Mr. Gasdick among our team of talented consultants. Please contact us to learn how we can provide your company with customized training solutions.

Ask Dear EB: Are you experiencing a challenging situation at your workplace and you'd like advice from Dear EB? Just send us an email and an expert Escoe Bliss consultant will respond with helpful and applicable advice via Blogging With Bliss and our next issue of The Insider. We pledge to keep all information anonymous and confidential.

Connecting the Dots Between "Talented People...Exceptional Service"

If you've seen the home page of our website, our email signature or brand documents, two of the first things you will notice are our company name and motto. Our motto, "Talented People...Exceptional Service," does a great job of summing up who we are and what we do. What about the three dots in between? Those three dots are a quiet yet integral part of the Escoe Bliss brand and motto. They represent the communication and development that take a group of talented people and pull them together into a team that believes in and applies exceptional service every day to everyone the members interact with. Escoe Bliss doesn't have a patent on talented people. Talent is all around us. Talented people are reading this blog, sitting in your offices and conference rooms, and buying your products or services. 

The Escoe Bliss consulting team effectively connects the dots between your people and your service, whether internal or external. Our experts know the importance of each of those three dots, what they mean for your company, and how to transform a pool of talented people into an exceptional and engaged team.

This year the core team at Escoe Bliss headquarters is connecting our dots by utilizing an external, trusted strategic partner to facilitate continued team development and growth. Go Team consists of distinct training modules that can be employed precisely when they're needed -- a just-in-time program. The team can choose which modules will be most beneficial at any given time. We might start with a Setup for Success module (operational guidelines, purpose, goals, or roles), or push the team in areas of opportunity using a See You at the Top module (building trust, sharing leadership, managing change). There are modules that deal with ongoing challenges (communication, decision making, conflict resolution, and more). The program consists of eighteen modules in all, and you can repeat whenever and wherever needed.

To date, we have completed Getting Grounded in Team Basics, Establishing Team Purpose and Goals, and Building Team Trust modules. Each one has done an extraordinary job at leading our team toward thoughtful discussion and has helped create some very relevant outcomes for our current and future business needs and goals. Dedicating just a small amount of our time to the modules has yielded an enormous benefit. For detailed descriptions of the modules and helpful ideas for where your team can start, visit the Go Team website. If you'd like to hear more about our Go Team successes, why we can't wait for our next session, or to learn how to incorporate this custom training solution into your team building call or email us.

Blogging with Bliss contributor Regina Gormanly is Brand Ambassador & Project Coordinator at Escoe Bliss. She finds her bliss by writing and managing content for Escoe Bliss' social media. Regina's love of learning and communication are the driving forces behind her blogs.

Communication Corner: Icebreakers

Topic: Icebreakers

The Origin: Icebreakers have a long legacy of aiding business processes. The original 'icebreakers' were boats called Kochi that were used in freezing waters for the purpose of keeping trade routes open during the coldest times of year. These large ice-breaking ships were used by the Russians in the Arctic Seas during the 11^th century as tools to literally keep trade routes navigable and business flowing.

Today's Term: Communication begins by someone stepping up and 'breaking the ice.' The ice metaphorically speaking is the silence that we experience when we find ourselves in new social situations. Without someone or something to break the ice,  we would be be stuck in a frozen mass and connections would not be made, ideas would not be generated, and business would stagnate. Communication icebreakers of today serve the same purpose as the original ice-breaking boats from hundreds of years ago. When icebreakers are used at networking events, through sales calls, and for initiating strategic partnerships they open up trade and keep business moving forward.

Common Uses: Team-building exercises, networking, business development, and social interactions.

Examples: 

http://www.icebreakerfun.com/icebreakergamesforsmallgroups.html

http://humanresources.about.com/od/icebreakers/Ice_Breakers_Energizers_and_Activities.htm